I thought that I could get through this on my own. I mean, if I go and get help what will everyone think? If I go and get help, I'll have to put my life on hold and tell everyone where I'm going. If I go get help, then my dirty little secret will be out in the open, and I won't be able to engage in behaviors. If I go get help, I will lose my best friend, my eating disorder. Yeah, my ED was my best friend. Sometimes I still miss her. I mean she brought me comfort and a since of euphoria, I lied to my OP therapist... a lot. This might sound counterproductive (because it is) but the reasons behind why I lied are so layered and complex. Lying to her was lying to myself. "See, I'm not that sick. I mean, I don't look sick." but I was, and I needed to get help. I needed to put my life on hold, because, quite honestly, I didn't have much of a life to begin with. I didn't have to tell everyone where I was going. Fuck them, I don't owe anyone anything. I told the people who needed to know so that I could get support from them. If they judged me, that was their stuff, not mine. I bared my secret for all to see so that she lost power. My biggest fear was that I would be forced to go to treatment. At the end of the day, it wasn't my therapist, or my husband, or my mom, or my best friend who forced me to go to treatment. It was my eating disorder. How could she betray me like that? I gave her everything (i mean EVERYTHING) and this is how she repays me- by shoving me into a house where I literally couldn't take a piss by myself? Yes, because ED was never my friend, she was always the one that was going to send me away. I don't know how I didn't see the warning signs- the fluttering heart beat, the extreme lack of energy, the foggy brain, the shame and guilt, the swollen parotid glands, the muscle cramping. But somehow, all of these things seemed to pass over me like a thief in the night; not being heard, but taking all of my shit.
Going away didn't send ED away, she still comes around from time to time, and sometimes she stays around. (that tricky little bitch). But, going away saved my life, because now I know how to ask her to leave.