I am an actress. No like, literally, I am an actress. I have an agent, I go to auditions, I have even graced a few sets with my presence. I love the craft. I love being me in a different form, and then me not at all; but for YEARS, my craft suffered. I was uncomfortable, self conscious, embarrassed, and forever afraid that I would be exposed. I was always living in the shadows, hoping that no one would notice my behaviors or see my true colors. This is a deadly combo for an actress. One needs to wear her heart on her sleeve to be successful, and that was NOT happening. Since seeking treatment for my ED, there are a few things that I am coming to terms with: I need to embrace where I am in this moment, and not obsess about where I want to be. I need to realize that I have body dysmorphia and see my self very differently than others (I am extremely uncomfortable in front of the camera). I need to realize that I am WORTH being seen, and I need to own my shit! All of these things are a work in progress, and to be honest I fail a little bit everyday, but what I have learned is that it's about moving forward. I have been battling these demons for over 10 years. I continued to think that they would eventually go away and I would become a normal person, but that didn't happen because things don't just happen, we make them happen. I tried becoming a Personal Trainer to fix me; that didn't work I tried becoming a yoga teacher to "fix me"; that didn't work. I tried becoming a hard core vegan to fix me; that didn't work. And I tried full blown denial to fix me-- we all know how that turns out. Thank God Im not normal. I mean, I could do without the ED, but the rest of my neurosis I will keep; I just needed to learn how to manipulate them in my favor.
I have a great group of people who support me, and the also trigger the hell out of me, but we're working on that. I am learning that my voice is powerful, and it is ok if I want to use it, and I am working on that. I am learning that it's ok to give myself what I need, and I am working on that. I have learned so much about myself throughout treatment, and that directly comes through in the craft of acting. There is a saying in acting, "Actor, know thyself." I'm trying to start.
To finish up, I had an amazing acting class tonight, and pictures were taken. I had a hard time looking at them because I didn't like what I saw, but I came back to my DBT skills and my self-realization--Fuck ED I'm awesome!
We are all awesome, and we are all struggling. lets build each other up