Today, I feel like a failure. Today and yesterday have been surrounded by behavior use. I had every intention of being "better" or being "good" or, shit, being "perfect."
Lets talk about perfect for a minute. Ed really likes to use perfection as a side kick. Its almost like perfectionism is a piece of Ed. "If you aren't going to be perfect today, then be really bad. Lets be perfect in our eating disorder, lets binge and purge five times today, and then skip dinner." How is this logical? I mean, ok, so you slip and engage in behaviors once, why does that mean the day is shot? I can tell you why it means it for me.
My main behavior use is binging and purging. Just writing that down makes me cringe. When I think of eating disorders, I think of glamorously thin people who have so much will power that they are able to turn down food. I always wanted to be like them, but I couldn't. I would even wake up and say, "ok, I'm going to eat virtually nothing today!" and then 11am would come around and I would be famished and binge. I then felt like I failed at my eating disorder, so I would try to make myself feel better with the only way I knew how, binging and purging, which would make me feel gross, so I would comfort myself by binging and purging. It is not unlike someone who has an addiction; in fact it IS an addiction... to food. The act of stuffing yourself until you can't even stand up straight, and then getting rid of almost all of it and feeling completely empty is unlike anything else. It makes you feel amazing-- for about two minutes, and then it makes you feel worse than before. The reason that it's hard to pull myself out of the cycle once it's begun is because it is the only thing that makes me feel THAT good. The problem is, that feeling leaves very quickly and you're searching for your next high.
The only way to pull yourself out of it is to remember and accept that NOTHING will ever this good. you see, the feeling of euphoria is concentrated. What we need to remember is that sustainable happiness is a slow-release, not a flash in the pan. We must change our expectations in order to experience what really feels good--living.