• Home
  • About Me
  • Blog
  • Contact
  • Home
  • About Me
  • Blog
  • Contact

Connection

6/19/2018

4 Comments

 
​Lately, I have been holding onto my disease. I definitely did not expect this, I mean I hate it, shit it almost killed me, so why am I having a hard time letting it go? I’m not necessarily talking about behaviors, although, sometimes those are still there, but I expected those. What I didn’t expect was the identity piece of it. “If I eat lunch, I won’t have an eating-disorder, and who am I?” or, “If I eat that cake, and don’t purge, I don’t have an eating-disorder, and who am I?”  Sometimes my “wise Mind” wins (a little DBT talk there) and sometimes my “not-so wise mind” wins.
I was so pissed at my eating disorder when I went into treatment that I was determined to beat it, but  t I think I should have been (there's those words again) more in the moment and in my emotions and not obsessing about when I would get to leave or that I complete my exchanges and didn't have to supplement. (If you don't complete 100% of your meal, you have to supplement with an ensure)
I was so “determined” to get better, that I’m not sure if I allowed myself to be “weak” which is leading to some real insights. I think that sometimes I was so ready to get back, and be over it, and be back to my life that I was trying to prove to everyone that I could. But honestly though, I wasn’t sure if I could (and I'm still not). It was kind of like the ED took on another form of control in that way.” Just lie, just act strong for a while, and they’ll believe you, and then we can go back to doing what we want” What’s crazy is that I didn’t even realize I was doing that until well after I left, so that sucks…
When I stepped down to a lower level of care, I really hoped that it would be short and sweet. I mean, you go from 24 hours of constant accountability and care, to 8-10 hours of programming (that’s treatment talk for “learn not to be so crazy class) and my reasoning was, what am I going to do for the other part of the day up here in Raleigh? PHP is supposed to help you transition back into your life, but how can I transition up here when my life is back in New Orleans? I ended up leaving AMA (against medical advisement). I have no idea if I should have stayed. I don’t know if it would have been the same or not, but I can tell you this; I would be a lot further along if I were able to transition at home. Louisiana’s ED treatment sucks. I’m not kidding; not one little bit. It nearly sucked the life out of me. I refused to go to treatment for so long because I didn’t want to leave my home (and heaven forbid people find out where I am, because that’d be embarrassing) , so I continued to get sicker and sicker until I ended up in the hospital where they should have transferred me to the ED unite, but we don’t have one… So they sent me home to get sicker  until I ended up in the hospital again; this time in the ICU, and again, they pumped me full of electrolytes and sent me home to get sicker.
Did you know that early-intervention in ED is key for recovery? I feel like my state let me down in that department, and that makes me angry. 
Anyway, I digress. This unexpected connection with my ED has been eye-opening to me. It’s really been a lesson in vulnerability, and I was always focused on the “strength” part of it. My therapist asked me if I was proud of the work I have done, and I said “no” because I’m not better yet. Are you starting to see how my brain works? This is why I had to attend so much programming ;)  The vulnerability piece started when I started to reflect on my overall attitude toward my connection with my ED and with my connection to recovery. It’s still a work in progress, and it’s taking everything in me not to judge myself for my lack of perfection, but I so just want to be "normal!" BTW, if any of you out there are normal, can you tell me how to do it :)
4 Comments
Debbie Melvin
6/20/2018 04:59:35 am

Can I just say, that as women, a lot of us feel this: “it’s taking everything in me not to judge myself for my lack of perfection.” We each have our own areas of imperfection that we judge ourselves for. I promise to pray for you.

Reply
Robyn Cooley
6/20/2018 05:09:47 am

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Allie! You can do this with God’s help. Love you

Reply
Ginger
6/20/2018 05:33:42 am

Lauren, you are in my prayers daily. Love you.

Reply
Dewey
8/8/2018 01:13:48 pm

Sorry, but no one is "normal." The more normal someone seems, the more they're faking it.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Author

    A strong-willed, stubborn woman who won't take no for an answer

    Archives

    March 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.