I’m sitting in a coffee shop. I just ordered a black iced coffee. That’s my summertime go-to; it used to be an iced chai tea latte, but heaven forbid I consume more calories, so for now, it’s an iced black coffee with a splash of cream. I’m sitting in this coffee shop, not because I really had a hankering for a good cup of joe, but because I can’t trust myself in my house right now. The urge to engage in behaviors is overwhelming. I just ate lunch and I’m crawling out of my skin. I haven’t worked out today, and exercise eases my stress, so I’m super-antsy. I don’t even want to drink this coffee because it’s making me more full, but it’s good and I want it, so there’s an internal conflict going on. I’m frustrated. I feel stuck. I am making steps in the right direction, but with every three steps forward there is one step back, so i took my ass to a coffee shop and am giving myself a pep-talk. “Bitch, you better keep that lunch down.” In treatment after every meal we would do “food and feelings”-
This meal was to my taste preference. It was challenging due to body sensations, events of the day, and environment. I am feeling urgey (a word made up in treatment) uncomfortable, antsy, anxious, and repugnant. After this I will be on my computer and I might need staff support.
If only I had staff support here. The trouble with me is that I am VERY uncomfortable asking for help. Showing my vulnerability in the moment is like plucking each toenail off my foot, so sometimes I opt for behavior instead because it’s easier. I had really hoped to be further along by now. I feel like I’m failing. It’s too hard and sometimes I feel like I can’t do it, which I know is not true, but its hard and I don’t always want to work. Can you imagine fighting against something you literally need to survive? I’m sure some of you reading this can, and others are like, “bitch you be crazy!” Well, that is also accurate. Every time my stomach growls I have a plethora of emotions. I get pissed because I have to eat, excited because I get to eat, nervous because I know I’ll be urgey, scared because I might mess up, and distrustful because I’m fucking stressed out. A human body reaction literally strikes fear in me. That pisses me off. It’s like, "I have to pee, omg, that’s the worst thing that could possibly happen to me!” Well, I guess it is for someone with a UTI, so Im walking around with the hunger equivalent of a UTI that perpetually stays with me.
This is not a new fear, and that’s why its so embedded in me. I didn’t always purge, but I always got anxious. I remember as an 8 year old comparing my body to some of my friends and thinking it was too fat. I remember as a teen ager going to the library for lunch so that I didn’t have to eat and hoping no one would notice. I remember my parents leaving me alone and sneaking off to Wal Mart to buy diet pills that don’t work. I remember lying to my mom and telling her that I had a stomach ache so that she wouldn’t make me eat dinner. I used that excuse so much that she took me to the doctor because she was concerned. I remember not being able to go to school because I took 25 Laxatives and telling my mom that I had a stomach bug. Sometimes I would go to school anyway and have to make many trips to the bathroom.- And just on a side note, laxatives suck. I kicked that habit pretty quickly because not only is it gross, it hurts! The constant stomach cramping and raw butt hole from the violent shits are intense. (sorry for the visual, but the the truth is messy…)
All I can do is take one step at a time. If I get triggered, that trigger belongs to me. I am the one who needs to make an adjustment. Sometimes I can make the right move like leaving my house and going to a coffee shop; sometimes I succumb to the urges that often times don’t seem rational (because they’re not.) All that I can do is try to do the next right thing. I might mess up occasionally for a while, but that does not mean the whole day is a wash. It’s a human tendency to think that way. But the ED likes to take control of that “black and white” thinking. That’s also something I try to be aware of.